Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!

Bart

Mom! Lisa's growing!

Marge

Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.

Homer

[Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets hurt!

Lisa

Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!

Marge

That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?

Kearney

[doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.

Homer

Yes, dear.

Lisa

To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

Homer

That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say!

Carl

He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

[surprised] What?

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa

Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

[gasps] That was you?

Homer

It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

Bart

C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa

Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart

[hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa

Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart

Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa

That says corn, Bart.

Bart

Must you embarrass me?

Marge

Oh no! My baby's up there!

Lisa

It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!

Homer

[to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!

This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.

Homer

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

Lisa

Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]

Homer

Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!

Marge

We don't have a stash.

Homer

[shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

What was that?

Lisa

It sounded like a silo tipping over.

Bart

Look, the snow's melting! [Martin licks the melted snow]

Martin

With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack]

Skinner

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

Huh? [Chalmers comes in a snow mobile]

Chalmers

Skinner!

Skinner

Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers

What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Skinner

Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

Chalmers

There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Bart

There is, sir.

Chalmers

Ah, then I'm happy. [He speeds away on a snow mobile]

Lisa

So how was it in the slammer?

Marge

Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.

Bart

[Chuckles] That Bob.

Lisa

Dad, you are just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?

Homer

Maybe five bucks will refresh my memory...

Lisa

[groaning] Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!

Homer

God! Who pays for that wedding?!

Lisa

Lt. Smash!

L.T. Smash

Yeah, that's right. Lt. L.T. Smash.

L.T. Smash

It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.

Lisa

Super liminal?

L.T. Smash

I'll show you.... [Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl] HEY YOU! Join the navy!

Carl

Yeah, alright.

I'm in!

Lisa

I was wondering if you bullies would be interested in some bodyguard work?

Heh, that's funny. We were just talking about going into the protection business.

Kearney

We're offering a lunch-and-recess package that's very affordable.

Lisa

I had no idea you knew so much about bullying.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

Lisa

Hey, don't throw that away. It's Rod's first tooth!

Bart

You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.