Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Awww, we're all out of milk.

Lisa

[takes wand out] Abraca dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]

Marge

[rushes in] Kids, it's 8 o'-clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizards' school.

Lisa

[points wand at clock] Five minutes more-ious. [clock goes back five minutes]

Marge

[annoyed]: Hmm. That's not good for the clock.

Lisa

Dad, that's the water softener.

Homer

Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you can cut me some slack!

Lisa

I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.

Bart

How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!

Lisa

[shouting outside] Hey, I'm a Buddhist!

Flanders

[gasps] My Satan sense is tingling!

Homer

So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!

Bart

Yes, Father.

Lisa

(walking in) Mom, Dad, my spirital quest is over!

Homer

Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!

Bart

But, Dad, my heart hurts! (Homer glares at him, Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it)

Lisa

I'm a Buddhist!

Homer

What? That's it, no more chat rooms for you!

Lisa

Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.

Homer

So you're back on the winning team?

Lisa

No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too.

Marge

So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?

Lisa

Uh-huh!

Homer

That's all I ever asked.

Homer

Don't worry honey, we can't afford this now, but I promise when the time comes my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is... in South Carolina.

Lisa

I will not be a Gamecock!

Homer

You will too!

Lisa

[As Homer is about to cross the road] Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!

Homer

That's okay, they have free health care. [Gets sent flying by an oncoming car] Whoa, I'm rich!

Homer

Eh, I'm sick of this tarzan movie.

Lisa

Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.

Homer

Oh, right.

Kent

This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.

Lisa

I'm Annie Oakley.

I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.

I'm a gulch.

Kent

So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.

Homer

Here we are, Branson, Missouri.

No pally, this is Bronson, Missouri.

Lisa

Well how do we get to Branson?

Number 10 bus.

Hey ma, how bout some cookies?

No dice.

This ain't over.

Lisa

[gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?

Marge

[hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end."

Marge

What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!

Lisa

[Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is.

Lisa

Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.

No, Lisa, we're both in--

Lisa

Go, go, go!

Why do people run from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]

Homer

[singing "Tubthumping" while drunk] I get knocked down!

Whoa, party house.

Homer

(from the house) Hey, where's my keg?

Lisa

Hmm... Mom's not gonna like that.

Who's Mom?

Lisa

Uh... that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.

Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky is reading at Café Kafka.

Lisa

Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate?

It's gonna be great, the three of us can split a scone.

Lisa

Non-dairy?

Duh.

Homer

I take a whiskey drink! I take a chocolate drink!

Lisa

I'll see you tomorrow.

See ya.