Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to sink to the lowest common denominator.

Bart

I can do that.

Homer

Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Marge

Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.

Marge

When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer

D'oh, d'oh!

Lisa

[gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?

Homer

You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country... It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

Lisa

DAD!!! YOUR HAND IS JAMMED IN THE TOASTER!!!!

Homer

OH GOD, GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Bart

DAD, IT'S IN THERE AGAIN!! [Homer frantically attempts to whack the toaster off him again]

Homer

AHHH, NO!!! AHH!!! IT'S STUCK ON MY HAND!!! [screaming incoherently]

Homer

D'oh! I mean, hey!

Bart

Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.

Lisa

Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?

Homer

Hmmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Marge

Donut? What's a donut?

Homer

AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

Marge

[gasps] It's raining again.

Lisa

Dad, look! (holds handheld TV up)

Homer

Television! Teacher, mother, [suggestive emphasis] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... RISING! Fading, fading... gone.

Homer

Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart

Homer... change channel!

Homer

Can't, frozen!

Homer

Urge to kill...rising...

Bart

Jessica...

Lisa

Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!

Bart

Oh Lis, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song...

Bart

[shudders] Oooh, that's very disturbing...

[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa

[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa

Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

Skinner

I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection...and to be seen!

Lisa

Mom, Dad, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book.

Marge

"Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

Lisa

Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Bart

Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

Homer

But I'm using my whole ass!

Lisa

Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Homer

Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

Bart

I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

Lisa

That's what I assumed.

Bart

Cheer up, Homer.

Homer

Can't.

Bart

Okay!

Marge

What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

Homer

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Lisa

Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Homer

Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?

Bart

[pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!

Homer

Thank you!

Bart

You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...

Grampa

[still on the airplane] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer

Eh, I'm sure it's nothin'.

Lisa

Mom, are you feeling any better?

Marge

Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Homer

Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying.

Bart

So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Marge

Everyone has a fear of something.

Homer

Not everyone.

Marge

Sock puppets!

Homer

Where!? Where!? [screams]

Lisa

Mom, you've been cooking all night?

Marge

[in a happy tone] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you are!

Lisa

See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems.

Marge

No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right. Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't make waves..." [walks out]

Homer

You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.

Lisa

Mom, can we talk to you?

Marge

Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

Lisa

Uh, neat. Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.

Marge

I don't need therapy, I'm fine; and it's too expensive.

Homer

And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist 10 bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Lisa

Dad, Mom's getting worse. You need to get her to a real psychiatrist; look how tense she is.

Homer

She's fine. [realises Marge is sitting down with no sofa under her] Oh.

Homer

[sarcastically] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.

Lisa

Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.

Homer

Well, keep it up, then.

Lisa

[sarcastically] Okay, I will.

Homer

Good. You do that.

Lisa

Fine.

Homer

You'll be picking many a bean.

Lisa

Hope I do.