Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.

Lisa

Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.

Lionel Hutz

[defensively] Don't touch my stuff! [realizes that he just scared Bart, Lisa, and Maggie; sheepishly, as he sits on the couch with a confused expression on his face] H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.

Kent Brockman

A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and freely communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about [beep]ing time! Of course all these good feelings can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it! [squirts whipped cream into his mouth]

Bart

Lis, today I am a God.

Lisa

Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?

Bart

Ewww...

Bart

[horrified] The burglar even took my stamp collection!

Lisa

[amused] You had a stamp collection?

[on the phone] Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Ha ha, ha ha!

Bart

Right on, say it, sister.

Lisa

It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Bart

Just what I was gonna say.

Grampa Simpson

Look at me! I'm acting young!

Grampa Simpson

[from inside the grave] Hey, this ain't so bad.

I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?

Lisa

Change what she says. It's your company.

Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.

Lisa

[gasps] That's awful.

Well, that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

Bart

After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

Lisa

And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?

Homer

Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.

Bart

Think you'll win?

Homer

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Lisa

Mr. Blackheart?

Yes, my pretty?

Lisa

Are you an ivory dealer?

[chuckles] Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network ... and like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns

I specifically said no geeks!

[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...

Mr. Burns

Next!

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns

Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince

[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--

Mr. Burns

Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

Lisa

[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -

Mr Burns

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

Lisa

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!

Marge

Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.

Bart

Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. [throws another peas at Lisa]

Lisa

Ow! That was a big one!

Marge

Homer, say something.

Homer

Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

Marge

[groans]

Bart

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. [feeds his piece to SHL]

Homer

[gasps] That was the end piece! [turns red in anger] That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! [point upwards] Go to your room!

Bart

No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.

Homer

Bart, you listen!

Bart

Oh, go eat some flowers! [tosses flowers at Homer]

Homer

My secret shame.

Homer

So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?

Lisa

I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.

Homer

[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?

Bart

Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.

Homer

[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.

Bart

What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.

Homer

[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]

Marge

Homer!

Bart

I'm outta here!

Lisa

Me too.

Largo

Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa

[ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo

No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair.

Lisa

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Lisa

Huh...? Oh, it's just a dream.

Largo

Oh! That was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa

[ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo

No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream!

Lisa

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Marge

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart

It's a new episode.

Lisa

Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart

[switches to new footage] Really?

Lisa

Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge

Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?

Lisa

Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Bart

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.

Marge

Bart!

Homer

Eyeball stew.

Marge

Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Bart

I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

Marge

[relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.

Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]

Lisa

Mom, that's veal.

Marge

Oh...