Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa

We feel neither highs or lows.

Really? What's it like?

Lisa

[shrugs] Eh.

S4 Homer's Triple Bypass

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Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?

Bart and Lisa (in unison): We're under six.

And I'm a college student. (chuckles)

(Marge comes in, upset)

Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.

Bart (running through his head who Great-Aunt Gladys is): Gladys...Gladys. About yea-high (puts his hand where his eyes are), blue hair, big dent in her forehead?

No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Bart (stares blankly, then shudders): Ugh! Oh, yeah. There she is.

The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

Lisa

We understand.

No use complaining about something you can't change.

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Homer, quit pouting.

I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.

S4 Selma's Choice

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Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.

Lisa (looks down at the water they're floating on. It is a dark brown, sludgy mess): I'm not sure that is water...

Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]

Lisa

Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!

Selma

Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

(Lisa bends down and drinks some from her cupped hands. She groans as her grip on reality starts to slip. She stares at the Dutch girl robots)

Dutch Girl Robots (begins to sound discordant and ominous): Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you...(Lisa blinks and her eyes go white and hollow): I'll have a Duff...Duff...Duff... (the Dutch girl robots fade away into the darkness)

(the darkness of the ride is now punctuated with strange lights as Lisa begins acting paranoid)

Lisa

They're all around me! No way out! (cackles insanely): NO WAY OUT, I TELL YOU! (grabs Selma by her dress collar)

Selma (as a 1960s Jimi Hendrix-style rock version of the "Duff Beer for Me" jingle plays and Lisa sees Selma as a multi-eyed monster with green skin): What's wrong? Ah, you just put your head right here. (sticks out her shoulder. The shoulder suddenly grows a mouth and snarls. The mouth on Selma's shoulder turns into Lisa's screaming mouth. Zoom out to reveal Lisa swinging an oar at Selma and Bart)

S4 Selma's Choice

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[after Bart gets rescued from The Barrel Roll. Selma is speaking with the security guard as Bart is trying to keep his eyes open]

Selma

Don't blame these kids. [groans]: It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome.

SGSecurity Guard #1

Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

[cut to Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney -- who were previously arrested for being a roaming gang in the second Duff Gardens commercial -- driving down the road on three detached bumper cars that somehow are still functioning, laughing as they ride off into the sunset, past a sign that says "Leaving Duff Gardfns"]

[cut back to the security shack]

SGSecurity Guard #1

And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.

[cut to a robotics engineer trying to fix the George Washington robot from the Duff Hall of Presidents, which is now reduced to just his head, only to back away as it starts jabbering]

[a second security guard and a man in a white doctor's coat come in with a pale and jittery Lisa, clad in only a towel]

Security Guard [as Lisa's hollow eyes dart frantically and her skin color goes from white to pale yellow]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa

I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!

WCWhite-coated Man

Give her this...[gives Selma two pills]...and this...[gives her two more as Lisa is shivering]...and then these. [gives her an entire handful]

Selma

Thank you, doctor.

WCWhite-coated Man

Oh, I'm not a doctor.

S4 Selma's Choice

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[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]

Lisa

A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.

That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!

Lisa

I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.

You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.

Lisa

But what if he wants to hold hands?

I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa

What if he wants to kiss?

I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa

What if he wants to--

You don't want to know how far I'll go.

S4 I Love Lisa

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Lisa

Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets?

Chief Wiggum

Krusty knows how to play ball.

(Flashback: Establishing shot of the Springfield-X porno theater as raunchy, guitar-backed porno music plays. The buzzing marquee reads: "Now Playing: Debbie Does Springfield". Cut to inside where Krusty the Clown is watching the movie. Chief Wiggum comes in and takes a seat behind Krusty while eating from a bucket of popcorn)

Chief Wiggum

Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie.

Krusty (recognizes the voice and turns back to face Wiggum with fear in his voice): Chief Wiggum?! Is this a bust?

Chief Wiggum (unable to answer the question honestly): Uh...yeah. That's just what it is: a bust.

(cut back to Lisa talking to Wiggum from the back seat of his police cruiser)

Lisa

That story isn't suitable for children.

Chief Wiggum

Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

S4 I Love Lisa

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Lisa

Do you really think you can get our dental plan back?

Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...

Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.

Done and done!

S4 Last Exit to Springfield

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Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

[gargles] Rrraaahhh…

Ah! Kill it! Kill it!

Grampa, please, he's in a coma.

Coma? Pffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the- [falls asleep, pauses, wakes up] French toast, please.

Lisa

Is a coma painful?

S4 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show

Oh, heck no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girl from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

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[after watching the listless and boring Itchy & Scratchy episode "Dazed and Contused"]

Krusty

[takes an angry puff from his cigarette] Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...[notices the cameras are on him]: Ha, ha! Hey, wow! Wasn't that great, kids?

Lisa

That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

Cartoons have writers?

Lisa

Eh, sort of.

Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.

Lisa

Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

S4 The Front

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[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]

Lisa

Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?

GGrandpa

I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Lisa

Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?

GMrs. Glick

Snake did.

And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?

BWBarry White

I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

S4 Whacking Day

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LBLisa and Bart

AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!

You wrote me those letters!

You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob

[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!

Oh no!

Sideshow Bob

Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.

No!

[Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]

S5 Cape Feare

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[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]

Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Lisa

I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.

Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

Lisa

I knew it.

S5 Rosebud

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[sees a school bus inside the painting] The School Bus? Oh, they must mean The Ghoul Bus!

Lisa

Nope, says right there: [points the painting and reads it] "School Bus".

S5 Treehouse of Horror IV

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[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns's crypt. Homer opens his casket and is ready to stake him.]

Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]

Lisa

Uh, dad? That's his crotch.

Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!!

Mr. Burns

[screams]

[He quivers then stops and melts into mold]

[relieved] Aah...

Mr. Burns

[comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED!!! [melts into mold and dies again]

D'OH!

S5 Treehouse of Horror IV

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RPRuth Powers

Look. You can see our houses.