Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Bart

Just what I was gonna say.

[Lisa angrily throws the doll out the living room window. Cut to Grampa Simpson riding a bike down the street]

Grampa Simpson

Look at me! I'm acting young!

[The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bicycle. Grampa Simpson flies off screaming past a blur of colors until he lands in an open grave at a cemetery. Two grave diggers having lunch turn around to see what the commotion is, then resume eating]

Grampa Simpson

[from inside the grave] Hey, this ain't so bad.

S5 Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy

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[Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast.]

Bart

After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?

Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.

Bart

Think you'll win?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

S5 Bart Gets an Elephant

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[Bart smashes up Burns' residence in anger for not being chosen as the heir, smashing windows and decapitating statues]

Heh heh, look, Smithers -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?

BBoy

[with an exaggerated Cockney accent] Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas Day!

I was talking to him. [points at Bart] You! What day is this?

Bart

Huh?

I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!

[Bart throws a rock which hits Smithers in the head]

Ooh, I like him a lot.

S5 Burns' Heir

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[The Simpsons family are eating dinner, Bart throws peas at Lisa]

Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!

Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.

Bart

Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers. [throws another peas at Lisa]

Ow! That was a big one!

Homer, say something.

Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.

[groans]

Bart

Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs. [feeds his piece to SHL]

[gasps] That was the end piece! [turns red in anger] That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! [point upwards] Go to your room!

Bart

No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.

Bart, you listen!

Bart

Oh, go eat some flowers! [tosses flowers at Homer]

SCSuperintendent Chalmers

My secret shame.

[Bart storms out of his house, riding his bicycle]

S5 Burns' Heir

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[Bart turns on his model train and it leaves the room]

MMilhouse

Where does it go?

Bart

I don't know, but it won't be back for three hours. One time it had snow on it.

S5 Burns' Heir

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Bart

Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.

Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Ned

[over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

SCSuperintendent Chalmers

Thank the Lor-- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!

S5 Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song

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Bart

Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?

Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again. [she then starts humming and dusting the TV]

Bart

Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?

Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

S5 The Boy Who Knew Too Much

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So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?

I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.

[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?

Bart

Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.

[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.

Bart

What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.

[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]

Homer!

Bart

I'm outta here!

S5 Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Me too.

[Bart and Lisa leave]

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NNelson

Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!

Bart

It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]

NNelson

[talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!

MMilhouse

Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

NNelson

I said, "Ha, ha."

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Hibbert

I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasps] Ha, ha, ha. Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

Bart

Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.

Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

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[After hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders' house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard]

Bart

This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation.

Ned

I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart

Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned

I'M A MUR-DIDDLY-URDLER!

Bart

If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

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Bart

Well, I guess that explains everything.

Not everything. [talking to Ned] There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude

Uh, I'm right here.

Oh, I see. Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

[Everybody looks at him]

Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

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[Homer and Bart come across an overturned truck that is spilling sugar. Homer shovels sugar into his car boot]

Bart

Dad, isn't this stealing?