Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Hey, everybody! Look at me! Turn this way right now!

Hey, it's Bart!

And he's doing stuff!

Principal Skinner

Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Marge

How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart

It's a new episode.

Lisa

Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart

[switches to new footage] Really?

Lisa

Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge

Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?

Bart

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.

Marge

Bart!

Homer

Eyeball stew.

Marge

Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

Bart

I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

Marge

[relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.

Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]

Lisa

Mom, that's veal.

Marge

Oh...

Lisa

Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to sink to the lowest common denominator.

Bart

I can do that.

Sideshow Bob

There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart

We want the truth!

Sideshow Bob

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Homer

You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country... It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

Lisa

DAD!!! YOUR HAND IS JAMMED IN THE TOASTER!!!!

Homer

OH GOD, GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Bart

DAD, IT'S IN THERE AGAIN!! [Homer frantically attempts to whack the toaster off him again]

Homer

AHHH, NO!!! AHH!!! IT'S STUCK ON MY HAND!!! [screaming incoherently]

Homer

D'oh! I mean, hey!

Bart

Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.

Lisa

Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?

Homer

Hmmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Marge

Donut? What's a donut?

Homer

AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

Marge

[gasps] It's raining again.

Lisa

Dad, look! (holds handheld TV up)

Homer

Television! Teacher, mother, [suggestive emphasis] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... RISING! Fading, fading... gone.

Homer

Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart

Homer... change channel!

Homer

Can't, frozen!

Homer

Urge to kill...rising...

Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.

Bart

I--

Helen Lovejoy

Took the money? Yes, we know.

He confessed!

Bart

O-kay!

Homer

Stop him! He's headed for the window!

Helen

So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.

Bart

Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.

Six times five, what is it?

Bart

Um, actually numbers don't have much use in my future career-- Olympic Gold Medal Rocket Sled Champ.

Helen

Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.

Bart

Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Young man, explain yourself!

Bart

Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse... which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story-- this character named Martin was feeling rather... randy, and he was heard to remark-

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!

Bart

[struggling to explain] But-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Helen

[in hallway, covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Jessica

You're bad, Bart Simpson.

Bart

[protesting] No, I'm not, I'm really-

Jessica

Yes, you are. You're bad, and I like it.

Bart

I'm bad to the bone, honey.

Bart

Jessica...

Lisa

Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!

Bart

Oh Lis, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song...

Bart

[shudders] Oooh, that's very disturbing...

Bart

[to Jessica]: Jessica, you're really beautiful but you are not very nice.

Jessica

[scoffs] Duh.

Bart

I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive.

Jessica

Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.

Bart

Well, don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned-

Jessica

Would you finish scrubbing these steps for me?

Bart

Will I?!

Bart

C'mon dad; lets go throw the ol' baseball.

Homer

Sorry Bart, I'm taking Lisa out for a gellati. We'd ask you to come but...ya know.