South Park · Season 6
[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.
Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--
Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
No, he has an icy heart.
But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.
So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.
But it's a cool island song.
Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Oh, do we wanna do that?
ALL RIGHT, that does it!
Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
Yeah!
No!
No?
No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
That's it!
[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
[from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!
The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!
[leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
Your persistence surprises even me.
Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
Wow!
Except for Cartman. You can keep him!
Ey!
Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
Mom, what's six times eight?
Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
Having boobs sucks.
Interior scene, Marsh residence. Stan, who has regressed to a primitive state, is gesturing with a stick to drawings he's made of breasts on the living room wall. Realizing he's starting to take interest in girls, Randy and Sharon decide to have a talk with him.
A-tah! Ah, a-tah!
Hey there, son.
(Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!
Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.
Ah.
Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.
A-tah?
But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.
Friends...a-tah.
I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.
I love you.
If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.
[fake coughing] Slut! Slut!
[feeling Wendy's enhanced breasts] Eew! They're all hard and oogy!
[the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
Me?! But I've been here from the beginning!
And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
[whining] Please?
No!
All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
No way, dude, Tweak's cool.
Yeah!
Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
[Hard cut to the next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
[Cartman approaches the group.]
[furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.
It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
Right, do what you would normally do.
[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
What-what-WHAT?!
Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
Nineteen-sixty--
No helping!
I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]
Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
