South Park · Season 6
I got ripped off!
I told you, Cartman.
[absolutely furious] OH SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GAWDDAMN JEW MOUTH!! YOU PEOPLE ARE WHY THERE'S WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST! AND YOU, TWEEK, WHY DON'T YOU LEARN HOW TO BUTTON YOUR SHIRT FOR ONCE!?!? YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS STAN WITH HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND; ALWAYS SPENDING TIME WITH HER; GOD, I HATE YOU GUYS!!!
[explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Oh.
But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
Oh, well hello there, children.
Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.
We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.
Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And-
[Chef suddenly realizes what the boys said.]
--Wait! What the--WHAT?!
So what should we do?
[Chef quietly and wordlessly pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]
Hello there, children.
Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?
Good-bye.
Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.
So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Stanley!
What? He did!
No, it doesn't work that way, son.
Yeah, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
[Randy curiously looks at his food]
Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
Well, for one, no sex with boys.
Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!
Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?
Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.
Forget about the Gelgameks?!
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Hail, Queen Spider!
Queen spider?
O, Great Queen Spider, we seek your guidance.
What do you ask of me?
Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.
The Vatican rules cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.
Go on, Priest Maxi, see if you can convince her.
(furious) Alright, that does it! I have had ENOUGH! You people have COMPLETELY LOST TOUCH with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gilgameks and your Queen Spider and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!
But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that--
TO HELL WITH THE HOLY DOCUMENT OF VATICAN LAW!
Father Maxi tears the Holy Document of Vatican Law in two. As he does this, the St. Peter's Basilica's roof starts to collapse on the panicked and horrified clergy. An exterior shot also shows the Basilica caving in and the obelisk toppling over.
St. Peter's Basilica has collapsed after Father Maxi tore the Holy Document of Vatican Law up.
Gone...it's all gone.
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi; you've killed our religion.
No, I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.
Cut to a television set in the Marsh residence, where the family is watching. Maxi's speech is being broadcast live on television.
(continuing) You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about: this book. You see, these are just stories. Stories that are meant to help guide people [cut back to Vatican] in the right direction. "Love your neighbor", "be a good person", [cut to the Williams family watching] that's it! And when you start [cut back to Vatican] turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...well you end up with this.
[cut to the Queen spider, then the Gilgameks]
People are losing faith because they don't see how what [cut to Marsh residence] you've turned the religion into applies to them. They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, [cut to the Tweak residence] and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!
[cut to the Tweak family watching this, as Richard Tweak is just finishing defecating out his mouth into a waste basket]
(distracted) What was that last bit?
[cut back to the Vatican]
Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic, but I'm a Catholic in the real world - in today's world! It's time for you all to do that too. It is time...for change.
[cut back to the Marsh residence]
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible, they're just stories to help us live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
Oh, Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.
Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.
Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
No, it means we get to, son. It means...we get to.
[A few seconds later, Randy defecates out of his mouth. Roll credits.]
Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...
[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
That's gay...
Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...
[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.
[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]
[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]
The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
