South Park · Season 4
[searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy". [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.
Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(
Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?! This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!
[In a jail cell]
Do you like having your back rubbed?
[contemptuously] Eat me, pervert.
Okay...
All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!
I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!
You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]
[sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
All right, sickos, where are the children?!
[confused] What children?
This... is... NAMBLA, right?
Yes.
Lead FBI Agent The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
What?! No! [points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes!
Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!
Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place! [walks out]
Oh God, I'm going to crap my pants!
I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be sick. Oh, my stomach!
[The boys have just realized the NAMBLA members' true intentions with them.]
Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here!
[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]
Are you all right, Stuart?
Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!
[all the pedophiles are now arrested]
[to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.
[Stan and Kyle glance at each other]
Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Dude, you have sex with children!
We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!
[For a fleeting moment, the federal agents, Marlon Brando lookalikes, and sundry bystanders show expressions of pity, but Kyle chimes in to remind everybody that...]
[slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!
Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Seriously!
Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!
[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]
Well, Cartman?
Well what?
Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
Yeah!
[half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?
No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.
[writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene coming up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly, and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around, and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the heck are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!
[Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front of "South Park Pianos"]
[despondent; voice breaking] There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
[muffled] You never seem to care when I die.
My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it! [starts to break down] Oh God! He's my best friend... [breaks into tears]
[stands up; muffled] WELL, NOW THAT DOES IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT! SCREW YOU, STAN, I'M GOING HOME! [walks away; above him, a man is hauling a piano, but realizes the ropes are tearing]
Look out! [the piano snaps from the ropes and crushes Kenny] Oops.
Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! [continues sobbing]
Hello, Chef.
(sternly) My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.
Islam?
From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.
As he says this, a Middle Eastern-looking person stands next to him, holding a long sign with his name in front of where Chef's apron normally says "Chef".
(continuing) With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name.
Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
(outraged, slams his hands down on the counter) You WHAT?! You don't think they should change the flag?!
Not really.
Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
(angry) Well, that figures you don't, because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!
(taken aback) But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about-
(throws down a ladle in anger) But NOTHING! "But" my ass! Fix your own damn food!
[Chef storms out of the cafeteria, with his sign holder in tow, to Kyle and Stan's concern and confusion.]
Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Don't apologize for me to that spear-chucker!
Chef is visibly outraged - Mr. Garrison quickly panics and flees
Bebe...I'm attracted to Cartman.
Aaaaaaahhh!
I know...
[chanting] White power! White power!
Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.
[chanting] Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!
[whispering] All right, Ned, we got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with here...
[loudly because of his voice box] Okay...
[whispering angrily] Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
[loudly] No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
