I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: "Men who like young boys"...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...Tony316.
[online conversation]
TTony316
So what R U into?
BBigBoned
Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']
TTony316
Kewl. Wanna get together? :) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']
BBigBoned
Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']
TTony316
Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.
BBigBoned
Sounds good, see ya then!
[searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy". [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.
HDHung Daddy
Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.
Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(
NLNAMBLA Leader
All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!
I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!
NLNAMBLA Leader
You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]
[sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
LFLead FBI Agent
All right, sickos, where are the children?!
MDr. Mephesto
[confused] What children?
LFLead FBI Agent
This... is... NAMBLA, right?
Lead FBI Agent The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
MDr. Mephesto
What?! No! [points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes!
BFBlond FBI Agent
Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!
Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place! [walks out]
[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]
KSKenny's Mom
Are you all right, Stuart?
Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!
[all the pedophiles are now arrested]
LLead Agent
[to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NLNAMBLA Leader
Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.
[Stan and Kyle glance at each other]
NLNAMBLA Leader
Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Dude, you have sex with children!
NLNAMBLA Leader
We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!
[For a fleeting moment, the federal agents, Marlon Brando lookalikes, and sundry bystanders show expressions of pity, but Kyle chimes in to remind everybody that...]
[slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!
Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
LLead Agent
Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!
[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]
Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
[half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?
No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.
