South Park Season 11 quotes

Cartman

This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.

Cartman

Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman

Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls! [audience applauds] And I also wanna say that [revealed that he made the whole thing up.] I'm making all this up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?

Uh, it's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?

Cartman

No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]

Ewwww!

Cartman

So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]

Why don't you take a seat?

Cartman

No, I don't want to take a seat.

Have a seat.

Cartman

No, I'm just going to--

Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]

Cartman

How does he do that?

You know, one time, I was doing a show called To Catch a Predator, and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on Dateline. So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on Dateline. It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman

I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Cartman

This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman

Titty sprinkles!

Oh no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]

"Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]

There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out with a dull splash as it hits the water] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow. That is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this.

[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan

Gee, thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

Stan

Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!

Stan

Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan

[surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan

So?

So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan

He's the record.

I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.

Stan

That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

Stan

[answers phone] Hello?

Kyle

Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan

No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle

[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan

Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle

Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan

Why?

Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle

What did they say?!

We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle

..Dude...