“More Crap” quotes from South Park

Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out with a dull splash as it hits the water] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow. That is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this.

[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan

Gee, thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

Stan

Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!

Stan

Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan

[surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan

So?

So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan

He's the record.

I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.

Stan

That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.