South Park quotes

[cutting herself on her arm] Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?

[cutting herself on her arm as well] I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.

Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.

[knocks on the door and opens it; holding a plate of cookies] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.

Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader you always wanted!

Does she still seem better?

Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.

Well, that's more like it.

Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out.

[coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?

It is your name, isn't it?

That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: Night Pain.

Oh, God.

What? You guys are posers!

Hey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo motherfuckers in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!

If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.

Oh, fuck off, NightPain.

Make me, poser.

So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?

Uh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. From Lowe's Home and Garden.

It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

No. There's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.

No, you just kind of did it on your own.

Oh my God. This is so... embarrassing.

Ah, hang on. What I meant to say was we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.

Oh. Oh! I'm, I'm-I'm me again! Oh my God, I'm all better. Thanks you guys.

[enters] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!

...Fatty. [closes the door]

Kyle

Hey Ike, how's it going?

Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer!

Kyle

I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.

Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!

Kyle

Ike, I just want us to be friends again.

Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!

Kyle

Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.

Kyle

Hey, Ike.

Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!

Kyle

Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.

You promised!

Kyle

I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.

Well what am I supposed to do, go see it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!

Kyle

Ike, I do! I just-

You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!

It was a mistake.

What?

Trying to reform Canada's healthcare system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.

Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.

I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining healthcare into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.

Kyle

[enters the living room] Ike?

Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!

Come on, let's climb the mountain.

Kyle

It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?

Yay!

We made it all the way to the top.

Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Pureto Rican strange.

Kyle

Yeah, I bet she does.

Cartman

I'm pretty sure that this cow can make ginger cheese. Which is like a Swiss cheese but instead of holes it has freckles.

Kyle

[enters the principal's office where Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, and three Israel rabbis are all waiting] What's going on?

Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator.

Kyle

I don't speak Hebrew.

Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important.

Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!

Butters

Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.

Cartman

Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?

Butters

Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?

Cartman

What do you mean?

Butters

Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?

Cartman

I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.

Butters

Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.

It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?

Butters

Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.

Butters

When?

You really wanna know?

Butters

Please, it's urgent!

All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...

Butters

No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?

[winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.

Butters

Uh, what's the matter, Scott?

I told you, I have to eat every two hours.

Butters

He's diabetic.

Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.

Butters

Oh. Okay, thanks.

Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".

...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...

...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.

[turns away, disgusted] AAAH!

Butters

OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!

Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...

Butters

But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!

If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.

Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.

Ehhh...

Cartman

Did you see Prometheus? I don't even think the writers knew what that was about.

Cartman

You guys wanna play outside or something?

Kyle

Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?

Cartman

I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.

Stan

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?

Cartman

The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?

Butters

Yeah.

Jimmy

That's right.

Butters

That's right.

Jimmy

Yeah, you kind of make a point.

Cartman

Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?

Cartman

Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]

The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!

Butters

[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.