Are you wearing a condom?
Oh, well. Fuck it.
S5 E7Proper Condom Use
Eric, what the heck are you doing?
I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Why are you wearing a condom?
So I don't get AIDS.
Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]
MPMale Pharmacist
Can I help you boys?
Yeah, we need condoms!
MPMale Pharmacist
Condoms...
Yeah, quick!
MPMale Pharmacist
...How old are you boys?
Why does that matter?
I'll be 9 next week!
MPMale Pharmacist
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?
MPMale Pharmacist
I just don't think kids your age should--
FPFemale Pharmacist
Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
MPMale Pharmacist
But...they're children!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?
MPMale Pharmacist
I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
MPMale Pharmacist
I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!
FPFemale Pharmacist
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.
50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!
FPFemale Pharmacist
No, you have to change them.
Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!
[the boys are reading the condom instructions]
Doesn't it give any other directions?
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]
What are studses?
Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!
Just put it on, Butters.
How come I got to go first?
Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?
Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.
It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]
Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!
I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Sure...
But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.
Gah! I got rubber bands!
[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.
How do you feel?
...Pretty good.
Do you feel protected?
Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.
TIMMEH!
[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]
[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
Ha! They're your diseases!
Yeah! You get out of town!
Here, talk to them, Butters.
[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?
Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
S5 E8Towelie
Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?
Towelie, you are the worst character ever.
I know.
If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.
You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.
Don't preach to me, fatso!
I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
YOU'RE stupid!
Oh, yeah, well you're a towel!
YOU'RE a towel!
Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.
That's my last J, asshole!
S5 E9Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants
America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.
I told you, jawas have no heart.
Jawas?
You know, sand people.
SSStan's Afghan counterpart
[to the other counterparts] We're speaking in English; does that make sense?
CNCNN Newscaster
The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.