TV show quotes
Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?
I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
[laughs] That's not what it means.
Kenny says that's not what it means.
Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?
It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.
...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!
Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.
Jesus was made of…crackers?
No.
But crackers are his body.
Yes.
What?
In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."
So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.
No no no no!
Well, what are we eating then?
The body of Christ!
No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.
No!
No?!
I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?
Okay...
And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.
Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.
Eric, do you want to go to hell?
No!
Then stop questioning me.
[after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
He had sins that he didn't confess!
And he never took communion!
He's doomed.
It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I going to go, Detroit?
[Cartman has been confessing his sins, unaware of who is in the other side of the confessional]
And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?
Your confession does not leave this box.
Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.
No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.
[annoyed] I see.
And then this other time, I went pee pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...
[Father Maxi, who has been getting steadily angrier during this confession, finally smashes through the confessional screen and begins throttling Cartman]
[Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids. He speaks in the manner of a stereotypical, fire-and-brimstone televangelist.]
I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!
[approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.
[meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!
Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
[in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?
[to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
[Cartman preaching behind the school]
Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, HE WAS SMACKED DOWN BY THE LORD-AH! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!
[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
[muffled by his parka] Where am I?
Que?
[muffled] Where am I?!
Que?
[Cartman preaching in church. He twists Kenny's account to him of being in Mexico as that of Kenny's damned soul calling from Hell.]
Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.
[the kids gasp]
It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!
[gasp]
He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!
[gasp]
And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!
[gasp]
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here! I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven!
Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
You picked the wrong religion as well.
Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?
I'm afraid it was the Mormons...the Mormons were the correct answer.
[collective groan]
Satan!
Chris!
[they run to embrace each other]
But I thought Saddam killed you?
Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?
[after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?
Huh?
You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
[drawing a gun] Well, that does it!
Hey, what are you doing?
I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Oh, okay. hello.
That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!
What?
Can I do it?
Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]
Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!
Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.
Yeah, that would be faster.
He's right there.
I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.
Oh.
[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]
What are you doing, Kyle?
I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
[angrily] Screw you, fat boy.
Hey, screw you!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
