TV show quotes
What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Hello, kids!
Now there's two of those things!
[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]
All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?
[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]
Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.
[He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]
[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher]
How much?
Fifty bucks.
But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
I know! Now I gotta find something else to shoot.
Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and ear muffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images of things like skulls, gore, and violence, as well as sugary foods.]
Oh, man!
What did you see?
Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
Joe, do you know anything about women?
Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!
Oh, we'll have a gay old time! ...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!
Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
Chef, what's a prostitute?
Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a 'rimjob', Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
It sure is!
Chef, what's a prostitute?
Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?
All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!
Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?
Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
[after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! ...sort of.
Yeah, they killed Kenny! ...'s look-alike. You bastards!
Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.
Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
