South Park quotes

Kyle

All right, let's go.

Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]

Kenny

[howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!

Cartman

[laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!

Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: a giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...

Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!

Well, by all means, Dr. Foley, enlighten us.

I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit.

[all laughing] Oh, Dr. Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?

It's not ridiculous, it's very possible! I've seen it happen before!

Where?

In Montreal.

[more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?

Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!

Very well, Dr. Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.

I will! [leaves]

[laughs] Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3 to 4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable and works as a flotation device.

Kyle

But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Cartman

[long pause] Tits.

Kyle

There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.

Cartman

A what?

Kyle

[softly] An ailnay ilefay.

Cartman

What's that?

Kyle

Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!

Stan

Yeah, you stupid umbassday!

Cartman

I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.

Kyle

They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay were otallytay ewedscray!

Stan

[a brief pause] Yeah.

Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

Cartman

Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Nah.

Cartman

Sweet.

Stan

You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?

Timmiihh!

No, it wasn't you, Timmy.

You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is highhandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.

Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.

Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No, wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.

Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.

Cartman

I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: "Men who like young boys"...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...Tony316.

Hi Tony!

So what R U into?

Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']

Kewl. Wanna get together? :) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']

Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']

Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.

Sounds good, see ya then!

Cartman

[searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy". [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.

Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.

Cartman

Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Cartman

Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?! This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!

Do you like having your back rubbed?

[contemptuously] Eat me, pervert.

Okay...

All these men wanted was to love a young boy! There is nothing wrong with love!

I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! Ah! What did I just say?! Oh God, I like titties!

You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. Come on, men! [leads the NAMBLA crowd away]

[sits down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.

All right, sickos, where are the children?!

[confused] What children?

This... is... NAMBLA, right?

Yes.

What?! No! [points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes!

Aw crap, we got the wrong NAMBLA!

Aw dammit, I'm in the wrong place! [walks out]