Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
The what?
It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!
S3 E2Spontaneous Combustion
Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
[resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
I'm going to be Jesus!
You're too fat to be Jesus!
Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!
Stan should be Jesus.
Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!
You're such a fat baby!
Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
[Randy's dream]
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
CCrowd
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
MMan
We love you, Randy.
WWoman
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
CChef
I got something to tell you.
What?
CChef
You're not gonna like it.
What?
CChef
It's really going to piss you off.
What?
CChef
Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
[wakes up] Goddammit!
Blessed be the name of Jesus!
CCrowd
It's a great name, isn't it?
[to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!
Officer Barbrady!
[Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]
Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]
S3 E3The Succubus
DMr. Derp
Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!
And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
CChef
Damn right, Garrison!
Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.
WAWoman at front desk
Chef?
He's a big guy with a beard.
And a chef's hat.
And a real huge dick.
WAWoman at front desk
Oh, the black guy.
huh?
CSChef's Father
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
You're Chef's parents?
CSChef's Mother
Yes, all his life.
[in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
CSChef's Father
Well, he should be out now directly.
CSChef's Mother
He's so excited about the wedding now.
CSChef's Father
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
No, that's okay.
CSChef's Father
Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
CSChef's Mother
We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"
CSChef's Father
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
CSChef's Mother
Oh, it was so scary!
CSChef's Father
...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fiddy."
[long pause]
What's tree-fiddy?
CSChef's Father
Three dollars and fifty cents.
CSChef's Mother
Tree-fiddy.
He wanted money?
CSChef's Father
That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fiddy, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
CSChef's Mother
I gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Father
She gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Mother
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
CSChef's Father
Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
CChef
I do!
CSChef's Mother
Aah, my baby's getting married!
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
S3 E4Tweek vs. Craig
Don't screw around in Shop Class!
[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]
Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.