TThumper
[motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
Butters[unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
TThumper
We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.
Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!
Butters
[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!
Butters
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!
Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!
Butters
[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]
Butters
Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
Butters
Oh Jesus! They were??
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
Butters
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
I- told them where to find you.
Butters
What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]
Butters
I've got to get back to my family.
MWMan with Terrible Skin Condition
We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.
[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]
[in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
What the hell are you guys doing?
We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.
'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.
Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
Butters
But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!
Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!
Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!
Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
[laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!
Sick! I felt it on my face!
Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!
Well, I'm not going with you!
[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]
[When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]
[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!
Butters
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Thank God we stopped it in time.
Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
Butters
Hear hear.
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Butters
Aw, we're still grounded?
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?
We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?
Butters
I'm sure! There's no way!
Butters
Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
[glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!
Butters
No, I really don't have a babysitter.
The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.
I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...
Butters
But I can get better!
Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.
We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
Butters
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
Butters
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
Butters
RAAGH!!
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Butters
Well then... then let me go with you.
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Butters
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
Butters
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
Butters
Let me have the tape!
No, we have to return it! [all leave]
Butters
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
GCGerald/Chris
BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
Butters
[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!
Butters
Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
[Butters goes into the closet]
We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
Butters
Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
Butters
Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.
Butters
Hi, Dad.
Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!
Butters
Yeah.
What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.
Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!
Butters
Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.
Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]
Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
Goddammit! [throws his plaque onto the ground, shattering it; the myrrh album falls away]
[Faith + 1's fans are stunned and they gasp]
MCMichael Collins
Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.
Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
MCMichael Collins
But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
Oh, Fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams in disbelief]
Butters
Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.
Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]
MMan
My ears are bleeding!
Good job, dickhead, you've lost the entire audience!
Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]
Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]
Butters
[pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down while he tries to recover from his pain and humiliation. End of episode]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
