Butters Stotch quotes from South Park

Butters

A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?

Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters

Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?!

Kyle

Because, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle

I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes!"

Oh.

Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?

Butters

No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

Kyle

[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.

Stan

Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]

Kyle

Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!

Kyle

You suck!

Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!

Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's-

["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]

Butters

Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]

[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]

Butters

Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]

[walks over to Tolkien] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]

Tolkien

What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]

[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?

Kyle

Rebecca. You...

[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]

I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]

Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]

You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!

Kyle

Uh. All I did was show her how to-

You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]

Kyle

[landing on his back] Aaaah!

[pounces on again] You bitch! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]

Kyle

Ooww!

Stan

Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!

Butters

Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]

[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]

...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]

Stan

Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]

Butters

Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.

Stan

Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]

[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!

Butters

[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!

Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.

Cartman

Jesus was made of…crackers?

No.

Stan

But crackers are his body.

Yes.

Kenny

What?

In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."

Cartman

So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

No no no no!

Butters

Well, what are we eating then?

The body of Christ!

Stan

No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.

No!

Stan

No?!

Butters

I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?

Okay...

And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.

Cartman

Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.

Eric, do you want to go to hell?

Cartman

No!

Then stop questioning me.

Stan

[after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters

He had sins that he didn't confess!

Cartman

And he never took communion!

Stan

He's doomed.

Butters

I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.

...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy.

Butters

[coldly] And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Stan

Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.

Butters

I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.

Kyle

You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

Stan

Who are you?

Kyle

I'm Kyle.

Cartman

He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Can I help you boys?

Stan

Yeah, we need condoms!

Condoms...

Kyle

Yeah, quick!

...How old are you boys?

Stan

Why does that matter?

Butters

I'll be 9 next week!

Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle

Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

I just don't think kids your age should--

Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

But...they're children!

Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman

Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan

Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters

50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

No, you have to change them.

Kyle

Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

Stan

Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters

Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]

Kyle

What are studses?

Butters

Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman

Just put it on, Butters.

Butters

How come I got to go first?

Cartman

Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters

Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle

It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters

I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan

Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo!

Cartman

I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle

Sure...

Butters

But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters

[fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan

How do you feel?

Butters

...Pretty good.

Cartman

Do you feel protected?

Butters

Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan

All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on.

TIMMEH!

[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!

Bebe

Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!

Stan

Ha! They're your diseases!

Kyle

Yeah! You get out of town!

Cartman

Here, talk to them, Butters.

Butters

[lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?

Cartman

Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.

Butters

[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

Kyle

[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.

Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs. Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters!

Butters

That's me!

Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that goof who always gets into trouble? Everyone hates Butters!

Butters

Everybody hates me.

Making toddlers cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas.

Butters

I love you.

Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters!

Butters

Aw, dang it!

Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters

Yes, sir.

This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters

Four times, Mom.

Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters

Yes, sir....

Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

Butters

Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.

Cartman

Then eat your puke!

Butters

No!

Cartman

C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

Butters

[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)

Butters

Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)

Butters

Ah! What did I do? What did I do??

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!

Butters

(BASH!!) Dahh..!!

Cartman

Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.