Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!

Well yeah.

Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-

Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!

Yeah, that would kill all our careers.

[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!

Fine, then let's have her do it!

[stops jumping] Her who?

You know. [softly] Her.

[softly] Oh, right. Her.

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.

(on the phone) How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!

[on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!

We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!

We don't have Muhammad. We we aren't sure where he is.

That's your problem! Get him back or Barbs will kill you all!

Oh boy!

Alright Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!

Well I told you, it's uh just a Jersey thing.

What does that mean?!

You just don't understand. It's uh it's just, just a Jersey thing.

Stop playing stupid!

Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.

[to Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [to the Situation guy again] What are you people planning?!

It's just a Jersey thing, you know? Ya, you just gotta be from Jersey to get it.

[to Randy, sternly, as she goes upstairs] Randy, do not watch that no-no channel.

I'm not staying up to do that, Sharon. Geez.

Randy, you've been watching that channel again, haven't you?!

[defiantly] No!

Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows, you stay up all night trying to copy what they made!

Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [puts on his coat] You think you'd be grateful, Sharon. I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up.

Stan

Can I have a Pop-Tart?

Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period; to accept, say "creme fraiche".

Creme fraiche. [phone line connects]

Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?

Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?

I'm making a pan roasted chicken.

Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?

Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.

Yeah?

Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.

You gonna glaze that fucking pan?

Oh, I'm gonna glaze it. You wanna help me?

If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine, about a quarter cup, and then a wooden spoon and I'd glaze the fuck out of that pan.

I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.

[as he says this, we see Sharon pick up the phone; she begins listening in when she hears Randy on the other line] Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're glazing?

I was thinking about shallots actually.

Uh, yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor, fuck yeah!

[having finally had enough] RANDY MARSH!

Ah! Sharon!

Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired; to add more time, say "creme fraiche".

City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]

Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whooping like that.

I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.

City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chatting with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.

[sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]

Wait now, who's that lady?

That there's Steamy Nicks.

You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"?

Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]

Yayaya! [more fart sounds]

[enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!

I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?

Them britches have had enough!

You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!

Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!

I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!

You're 42 years old, Randy!

I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!

Oh, is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!

Why can't you ever just support me?!

Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!

Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!

WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with YOU making the same mistakes again and again?!

BECAUSE I'M UNHAPPY, OKAY?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]

...I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and, I want to enjoy it.

I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore; you just seem kind of... shitty to me.

You kind of seem shitty to me too.

People get older, Randy. People grow apart.

Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.

What?! Randy!

[shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.

And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters sits on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?

Butters

What's sarcasm and what's cum?

We'll talk about that when you're older.

Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football.

[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV] Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?

Stan

[barely awake in bed] What?

What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?

Stan

You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.

Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! Stan? You're a lousy kid! I WISH JADEN SMITH WAS MY SON!

Who do our children think they are, blocking our TV content?!

How are they able to do this with their smartphones?

It's all right. Our kids think they outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company.

Nice one, Stotch! Your castle fucking sucks!

Ah, go to hell, you griefer!