Randy Marsh quotes from South Park

A pandemic special, Randy? Really?

What?

People are hurting! People are dying, Randy! And all you can think about is make a special about it?

I'm doing something positive to try and help. People really needs this right now.

You're a child, Randy!

Randy? Where are the car keys? Randy!

[wakes up] Huh? Uh, what? What?

It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better, so I can take him home.

Jimbo's better?

They said he doesn't have any symptoms, and his tests are showing negative.

[realizes his DNA has cured Jimbo] Holy shit.

[comes out of the house] Randy? Randy!

Just… what?!

Randy, you gotta get in here!

I'm doing something important, Sharon! People need this right now!

Come upstairs, something's wrong with Jimbo! [Randy enters holding his crotch as he limps] He'd just been sleeping for days. [puts her mask on and walks to Jimbo's room] They said he was getting better. Last night, his fever came back. And then a few hours ago this "thing" appeared on his face.

What thing?

[lowers down Jimbo's mask, revealing a mustache on his face, identical to Randy's] Jimbo's never been able to grow a mustache.

Huh. That's weird.

[limps next to Jimbo, whispering to him in soft anger] Just fucking shut up! You have no idea if it's because of the Special! You could just be sick again 'cause you're a fat, fucking alcoholic! And I am NOT going to jail for you! [smacks Jimbo in the face and limps away holding his crotch]

And you say you've never had a mustache before?

No! Never! I just came outta nowhere!

Sheila

How could this happen, Doctor?

Have you put anything toxic in your body lately? Any drugs or alcohol?

No! I mean… I've enjoyed a little of the Pandemic Special.

Oh, no, no, no. That…that's totally fine.

Doctor, you better come to the emergency room!

[shocked] Holy shit!

[walks into his and Sharon's bedroom, finds his wife asleep] Hey, Sharon? I need to talk to you. [sits on the bed] I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.

[sits up visibly showing her pandemic mustache] If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. [Randy looks at her not saying any words] What?

You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special?

No. I don’t smoke marijuana, Randy.

Uh-huh. [gets up from the bed and walks off]

Well, what did you want to talk to me about?

I just… think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face.

Guys... I wanna have kind of a tough talk with you. We don't really have any black friends, we don't reach out to the black community. Shelley, you never bring any black dudes over. I mean, Stan, your three best friends are all white.

Stan

There's only one black kid in my whole class.

Yes, that kid, Token. How come you never hang out with him?

Stan

I do hang out with him.

In a group, maybe, but I don't recall just you and Token ever doing anything. I've never seen Token here at the farm, just like, the two of you guys. Why not?

Stan

I... I don't know.

Randy, stop, we're not racists.

We'd like to think that, wouldn't we? But... actions speak louder than words, gang. I guess... I guess I just want you to think about it.

Stan

[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.

Tolkien

Oh, hey, Stan.

Stan

Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?

Tolkien

Fine.

Stan

Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?

Tolkien

It's kinda far, isn't it?

Stan

Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.

Tolkien

What are you talking about?

Stan

I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.

Butters

Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!

Stan

Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.

Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.

[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.

We've never been to a marijuana farm before.

Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!

Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.

W-what are you talking about?

It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.

Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?

What do you mean?

Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.

People have a problem with Tolkien's name?

Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?

My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.

[shocked] His name is Tolkien?

Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.

Stan

[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".

Tolkien

My name is "Tolkien".

Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.

Holy shit, that's what his name means?

What did you think his name meant?

Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

[angrily knocks on the door and Randy answers] What the hell are you doing?

Taking shit tons of Tegridy orders. Sales are going nuts right now.

No, why is my face on a billboard?!

Because we work together?

You said you just needed someone to help with accounting!

Yes, but then, you got promoted! I was gonna surprise you. Don't you see how lucrative this can be? I mean, we make a pretty damn good team in the weed business. I mean, we are Ben and Jerry– We're Ben and Jerry. You're Jerry, and I'm Ben.

I thought I was Jerry.

No, you're a towel.

Oh, that's even better.

I told you before that I'm not interested in the marijuana business. I don't believe in drinking or doing drugs.

Doing dru… Do you remember when Bilbo first set out with the dwarves to fight Smaug? What's the first thing they all did? They partied their asses off. [sings] ♫ Chip the glasses, click the plates / That's what Bilbo Baggins hates ♫ And then they certainly had an adventure together, didn't they? Filled with… [pulls out a wad of cash and puts it in Steve's pocket] Lucrative treasure.

You really think we could make a lot of money together?

Ben and Jerry, my man. Ben and fucking Jerry.

They stole it! They stole my idea!

Who did?

Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]

Stan

DAD!

Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!

Hey, man, what's your problem?

You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!

Game on, motherfucker.

Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.

Stan

But, Dad…

Shut up!

The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.

See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.

Stan

Yeah, can I do it?

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!

Did you jiggle the handle?

Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!

Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?

I didn't do anything.

Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]

[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!

[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?

Don't, Randy!

Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!

Stan

[disgusted] Ew!

Gross, Dad!

Randy, we need to get a new toilet.

We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.

This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]

Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.

[as the Japanese toilet is being installed in the powder room] That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

Oh, Sharon. Tenn-ish.

What's tenn-ish?

Tenn-ish. Thousand-ish. Ten thousand-ish.

[shocked in anger] You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!

Yeah, we do.

If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean your half as well as pressurized water. I feel that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? Heck, I don't know, but you know--

Stan

[barging into the kitchen] Dad, can I talk to you?!

Stan? You're back from school already?

Stan

I need to talk to you right now! [they enter Randy's office; closes the door] The fuck are you doing?!

The fuck are you doing?

Stan

You need to stop gloating to everybody!

I am not gloating.

Stan

Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich!

They are?

Stan

Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk!

You're stupid. I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!

Stan

How are you trying to help people, Dad?

Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.

Stan

You are not like JFK! You're just showing off!

Nuh-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! You're part of a very respected family, Stan. You should start acting like it.

I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.

Who shot him?

Nobody knows.

Stan

Is he gonna be okay?

He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.

[lying down in a hospital bed; blabbering weakly] Bikkuri… Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...

Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?

Yeah, that should be all of it.

Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.

I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.

You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!

There should be food enough to last you the week.

Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.

Bye, Stan! Love you!

Stan

Love you, Mom!

Okay, guys, be safe!

Bye!

Aww, yeah! Bitches are gone! [strips in his underwear] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week! Bro, what are you doing?

Stan

[painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table] I'm painting miniatures.

Painting min… Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!

Stan

Whatever I want?

Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!

Stan

Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?

Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?

Stan

You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?

Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.

Stan

Really? All week?

Yeah, dude! You're old enough.

Stan

Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!

[opened the door] Can I help you?

We've had some complaints about a party that's been going on for three days here.

Hey, what's going on? Alright guys, who ordered the stripper?

Can we come in and look around, sir?

Oh, yeah! Come on in! [smacks her in the buttocks] Honk, honk!

All right, get down on the ground!

Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.

[tazes Randy and handcuffs him] I need to see some ID, sir.

Ah! Okay, okay! Stan! Stan!

Stan

Yeah?

Can you get my wallet from upstairs?

Stan

Yeah, as soon as we're done with this psyker phase. I have five psyker units.

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing!