Kyle Broflovski quotes from South Park

Kyle

Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!

Cartman

Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]

Stan

Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.

What did you say?!

Kyle

Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.

I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.

[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!

[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]

Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!

Kyle

That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Stan

Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that semen on your back.

I just... can't do it anymore. I wanna go away! But there's nowhere on Earth that people aren't around to rip on me.

Kyle

Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.

Stan

We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!

You... really? Somewhere where I can just, live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh please, can you show me where?

Stan

We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.

Sheila

I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.

Kyle

[enunciating] What am I, Mom?

Sheila

When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.

Kyle

[getting scared] What are you saying?!

Sheila

I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.

Kyle

[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!

Sheila

It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]

Kyle

I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!

Cartman

What the hell are you guys doing?

Stan

Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.

Cartman

[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!

Kyle

I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!

Cartman

Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?

Kyle

That's enough.

Cartman

Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!

Kyle

No way, dude! I'm NOT one of them, okay?! I'm not going to tell you my secret!

Butters

...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.

Kyle

No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.

Butters

Skeletor's real?

Stan

No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.

Butters

Skeletor's a lady?!

Cartman

[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!

Butters

Hey, Eric!

Cartman

[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!

Kyle

You get in trouble again, Cartman?

Cartman

NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.

Stan

Dude, we're just trying to eat.

Cartman

Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?

Stan

Yeah.

Cartman

Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!

Kyle

No they didn't.

Cartman

YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!

Stan

Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?

Cartman

Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!

Kyle

That doesn't make any sense.

Cartman

Go look for yourselves!!

Cartman

There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?

Butters

Is that really all our wiener sizes!?

Cartman

Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!

Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.

Butters

Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?

Kyle

How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]

I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.

You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]

Stan

[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.

Cartman

[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!

Butters

[curious and confused] A conspiracy?

They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!

Kyle

Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.

Cartman

Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!

Kyle

Stan?

Stan

[While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]

Kyle

Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]

Stan

[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!

Kyle

Stan, are you alright?

Stan

But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!

Kyle

Dude. Have you been drinking?

Stan

You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!

Kyle

It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.

Stan

[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?

Kyle

See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]

Cartman

Everything alright here, Kyle?

Kyle

Yeah, It's fine.

Cartman

We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.

Stan

Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!

Kyle

Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Stan

[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]

Kyle

[to Cartman; enraged while finding out the secret to his burgers] You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!

[disgusted] Ewww!

Cartman

And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

Kyle

How do you murder a stuffed animal?!

Cartman

“Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”

Stan

“What?”

Cartman

“Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”

Kyle

"Dude, shut your fucking mouth."

Cartman

Ugh... what!? [stands up] What's going on?!?

The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!

Cartman

It's raining frogs! [finds Kyle, who is climbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs!?

Kyle

[bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes! It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.

Cartman

So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.

Kyle

That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!

Cartman

Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.

Kyle

It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!

Cartman

What does that mean?

Kyle

It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.

Cartman

Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?

Kyle

That's just how God is.

Cartman

You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick!

Kyle

Oh yeah, you're going to find out what's gonna happen!

Cartman

Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why?! What are you doing?!

Kyle

This is what God told us to do!

Cartman

No, Kyle! I don't believe you!

Kyle

You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]

Cartman

Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]

What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]

Cartman

Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]

Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]

Cartman

Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]

[holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!?

Cartman

No! The bread's all flat! Nooo! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Noooooo! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]

Son! We were wrong! I was wrong!

Cartman

We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Noooo!

Stan

This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!

Kyle

If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put on the internet for free?! [short pause] Well?

Stan

What, what was the question again?

Kyle

[slowly speaking] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the internet for free?