[While Kyle is breaking all of Cartman's belongings in his room] What the fuck are you doing?! Kyle, stop it! Goddamn it, don't! [Kyle approaches Clyde Frog and attempts to rip his head off] No! Kyle, not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [Kyle successfully rips Clyde Frog's head off] NO!! Aah! Clyde Frog! [Kyle approaches Cartman's Xbox 360] Clyde Frog you--No! NO!! Not the Xbox, Kyle! Not the X--wait! Just WAIT A SECOND! [Kyle disconnects Cartman's Xbox 360 from his TV and is just about to smash it on the ground until Cartman desperately runs in front of him] I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU HIV, ALRIGHT?!?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!
Kyle[still infuriated] There is no cure, you asshole!
No, no! Listen, Kyle! I'm onto something. There really is hope.
Kyle
What hope?!
Break my Xbox, and you'll never know.
Kyle
You're lying.
NO! No! Al-alright, Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson.
Kyle
Magic Johnson?
He was a basketball player.
Kyle
So what?!
So he got HIV like 50 years ago! And he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [Cartman puts his arm around Kyle] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness. I swear it to you!
Kyle
[Somewhat convinced, while looking down on Cartman's Xbox 360] You better. Because if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox.
Kyle
Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
MMagic
You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle
Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?
Kyle, we need to try and find a--
Kyle
What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle
Then stop you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny! AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay..... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Kyle
Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Kyle
YES!
[longer pause] Are you HIV-positive?
Well, I'll tell you this Kyle. I am never getting my tonsils out again. [Chuckles nervously]
Kyle
[Understandably still upset with Cartman] I'm still breaking your Xbox.
[Shocked, he starts running after Kyle] What? No! No! Kyle, no!
Kyle
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
M2Man #2
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
PPolice Officer
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
Kyle
We, uh, we have special permission.
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!
Kyle
[talking about middle-grade school students] Dude, you know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to end you. You only have one shot or your ass is on the line, good luck on that.
[Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
MMrs. Miller
Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
HSHigh School Student
I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!
Kyle
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.
[The Marshes and the Broflovskis exit the house and head to Gerald's car]
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!
Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!
[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]
I told him. A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on Earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle
Well, now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)
No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)
We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.
You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.
Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
Kyle
It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!
MMayor
The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals. And so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere, whether you mean it differently or not. The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world.
She's gaining support all over the country. I should've never listened to you!
Kyle
We're sorry, Mayor.
Oh, that's nice. You made our entire town look like gay bashing, redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!
That lady said it's because "fag" still means "homosexual" in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.
[after escaping from the pee-flooded waterpark]
Kyle
Will somebody get me to a hospital, I need to get my stomach pumped!
Oh come on, it was just a little pee, Kyle.
Kyle
GODDAMN IT, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee...is bananas!
[Mr. Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]
Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Aw, a book? God, I hate those.
Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.
It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...
[Mr. Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]
And strong vulgar language...
And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!
Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...
No, no, come on let's read it now!
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook
Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?
[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!
[The class groan in unison]
[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Kyle
Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!
And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!
Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
LLola
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
LLola
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
[frustrated] God damn it!
Kyle
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!
NRNews Reporter
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!
[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Kyle
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
