[Outside Backcountry Adventures]
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
G1Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
KyleHow, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about forty-five minutes.
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
[The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.]
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
M3Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
G1Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Kyle
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Kyle
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
Kyle
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
JJulien
[A live-action segment of the episode begins] (narrating) Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from Hell. [cut to different shots of the four boys screaming] ...trapped on a forty-two foot power boat [cut to the boat the boys are on] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
Kyle
[angrily] Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
[shoots back at Kyle] Well, it’s not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all zip lining, you fahkin’ Jew!
Kyle
Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!
JJulien
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining- mine or Kyle's?
[unmuffled, nonchalantly] I don't know; I really don't give a shit...
JJulien
For four elementary school boys, an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... [cut to a fly-over of the boat as the title appears into view] "I Should Have Never Got on a Goddamn Boat". [cut to more shots of Kenny and Stan screaming]
Kyle
[notices Cartman drinking another can of Diet Double Dew] Oh no. You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side, into the water! [the scene cuts to a watermark saying, "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies", followed by shots of Cartman defecating over the side of the boat, Stan screaming, and Kyle and Kenny vomiting]
You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
Kyle
[puzzled] Butters? Why?
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
You're talking about Butters?
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!
[The boys leave the cafeteria and stand outside the restroom around the corner, where Butters has locked himself in]
[knocking on the door] Butters?
[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!
GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!
Kyle
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...
[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?
[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]
[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!
[Later… in Principal Victoria's office; Principal Victoria discusses with Stephen and Linda about Butters' behavior]
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!
[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
[After a short pause…]
Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
Kyle
[runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.
Kyle
Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Kyle
Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.
I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
Kyle
God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!
Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.
Kyle
[stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!
Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?
Kyle
[walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!
He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!
Kyle
Tell us what you know, right now!
I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!
It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.
Kyle
Then you have to tell us!
Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]
Kyle
Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!
Kyle
[grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!
[As the boys search everywhere around in the Cartman residence, Liane enters with a bag of groceries]
Oh, my goodness, what's going on?
Kyle
Sorry, Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.
Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?
He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.
[walks off into the kitchen] Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.
There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one Scooby clue.
[looking outside] Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!
[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus at the bus stop]
Kyle
[infuriated] I am so sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little stank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this, and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!
[talking to a friend on the phone, via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm tellng you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.
LLawrence
How many hours were you guys playing?
Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"
Kyle
AAAARGH!
LLawrence
You were playing football?
Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?
Kyle
That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!
[covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.
Kyle
Then take that shit speaker phone off!
LLawrence
Is that that same kid?
Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.
Kyle
How do we have a choice?!
Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?
LLawrence
Yeah, yeah, you said that.
TToby
My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.
Who is that? Is that Toby?
Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?
TToby
Yeah, we're ditching school.
You're what? What, you say?
LLawrence
Me and Toby are ditching school!
Kyle
Hey Ike, how's it going?
Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer!
Kyle
I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.
Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!
Kyle
Ike, I just want us to be friends again.
Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!
Kyle
Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.
Kyle
Hey, Ike.
Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!
Kyle
Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.
Kyle
I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.
Well what am I supposed to do, go see it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!
Kyle
Ike, I do! I just-
You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!
Kyle
[enters the living room] Ike?
Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!
DDora
Come on, let's climb the mountain.
Kyle
It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?
[Kyle joins him on the sofa]
DDora
We made it all the way to the top.
Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Pureto Rican strange.
Kyle
Yeah, I bet she does.
You guys wanna play outside or something?
Kyle
Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?
The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?
Yeah, you kind of make a point.
Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?
[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]
Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]
CACommercial announcer
The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!
[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park: The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]
[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.
[Deleted Scene]
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?
Kyle
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?
The playground's burned down, dude.
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"
Because that's what you said.
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!
Kyle
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.
Kind of like your start-up company.
[After a short pause, Kyle punches him in the face, having to have heard that]
[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; Later, all the boys (except Jimmy) are in Mr. Mackey's office]
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?
[as Cartman walks up to a stall while peeing in the urinal] I think someone's in there.
No! God damn it, no! Who's taking the shit?!
I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig!
You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Son of a bitch! [walks up to another bathroom stall, but Kyle is already using it] Oh, no. No, no, no! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Kyle
Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fat-ass!
[Deleted Scene; The Marsh and Broflovski families are all at the Stotch house, barricading and boarding up the house]
All the windows are barricaded in the back.
Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?
[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?
There should be more in the basement, Sharon.
Could someone please tell us what's going on?
Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.
Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?
Kyle
About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?
You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.
A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.
Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.
I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]
For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.
[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
