Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?
Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep! [his head turns 90º slowly and creepily as he talks]
[freaked out] My God... you did it! You actually did it!
Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?
You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Good luck proving that, Brian! Now, seriously, that number?
Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]
You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.
[cut to Meg]
I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.
JJudge
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
FMr. Foreman
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
KAKool-Aid-Man
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
JJudge
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.
[cutaway to Stewie trying to sing a song in front of the American Idol judges]
What I'm heading for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in He-a-van
When I'm lost in your eyes
SCSimon Cowell
Stewie, what the hell was that?
[nervously] That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
SCSimon Cowell
One of the worst I've ever heard.
SCSimon Cowell
Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.
PAPaula Abdul
Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.
RJRandy Jackson
Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?
[he exits the room in tears] I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they - they - they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie"! 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I - I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!
You recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?
Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.
So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
So, it was sorta like a dream?
Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [He leaves]
Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen -[the screen goes black like he described]
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
MMcDonald
[sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal!
Oh, man. Not this guy again!
MMcDonald
[sings] Oh, man, not this guy again!
[Peter farts]
[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]
MMichael
Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
MMichael
Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]
[she and Michael approach Peter]
What do you think you're doing?!
[Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?
I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
MMichael
Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
MMichael
I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
[he leaves]
See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
Look, Why don't you just talk to him? Ya might find out he's not so bad.
Alright, Lois, but I know what my gut tells me. And right now, it's telling me I have...
DVDeep Voice
INDIGESTION!
But, I'll suck it up and talk to Michael. Even though I've also got...
[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]
Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]
SSmith
Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park,
Or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready!
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job
So you can help pay for school supplies!
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.
Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
WWoods
Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.
You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]
What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!
[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
LLetterman
Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.
Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
WWoods
[at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
LLetterman
Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.
[the studio audience gasps]
WWoods
No, no, no, no, no!
LLetterman
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
LLetterman
James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
WWoods
What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf! That... skinny chickenshit!
TTV
We now return to "Damn Nature, You Scary!" on BET.
AAnnouncer
[as a cheetah runs] Damn, that muthafucka' run fast! You see that shit?! That thing come by my house, I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That lil' rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!
All right, children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after you for the next couple days, so I wanna lay down a few ground rules: no cussin', clean ya plates, and only a half-hour of radio and then it's off to bed.
And don't you mouth off to me, or I'm gonna slap you right in ya penis.
[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
