Family Guy · Season 12
Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.
Oh, oh, w...we could, we could never do something like that, Brian! [starts to fade away]
Stewie, wh-what's happening to you?
[looks at himself] I think...my timeline has been erased! The timeline where you died no longer exists! Merry Christmas, Brian. [finally fades away]
[on Peter being hired at the grocery store]
You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.
[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotence, stating he is embarrassed]
This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.
Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn.
[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.
He kinda looks like Jason.
Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?
[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!
Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.
[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter in the face]
Lois, why did you buy this?!
It was on sale.
All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.
Okay.
[after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."
You better hand me the gun, Peter.
I passed the test?
[sternly] No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
But just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...
Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!
Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!
Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!
Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!
I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!
[gets shot in the arm] Ah! Son of a bitch!
It's over. We're all friends again.
What the hell, Joe?!
I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!
Wait a second, then I get to shoot Joe! Alright, he shot me! If we're doing things fair here, then- [gets shot in the head and falls]
Alright, we're good.
[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]
So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.
[under his breath] You do everything gross.
C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway to Peter in the Griffins' living room with various other characters for potential upcoming cutaway gags] Okay, my Great-Uncle Wears-A-Ski-Hat-All-The-Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? [the Monkey Rabbi walks into the room] Here's your Torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.
You gonna need me this week?
Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
Over here.
No, no, no. The cartoony gay guys.
Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.
Hey, Death. What are you doing here?
Actually, I'm...here for your show.
Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation!
[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
Close the door! The moonlight burns!
It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.
Christmas?
Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
Can I meet the family?
You've overstepped! No Christmas!
[about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, you know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
Let me show you something...
[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't here?
No, that was just in your mind!
Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.
[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]
That was a stroller, not a speedbump.
What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?
I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."
[Peter receives a package that's addressed to Quagmire]
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".
Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.
Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?
Do not open that box!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
