Family Guy · Season 12
Wow. I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.
[in a cutaway, Peter is doing a game called "God With Ants"]
You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that?
Peter, would you like a glass of-- [sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck] OH, MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!
[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]
How were all your business trips?
Oh, exemplary, Chris.
I don't understand what either of those words means.
One of them was "Chris."
What's wrong with you, Peter?!
Lois, I'm sorry.
How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!
Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.
[Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!
[Hurt] You don't mean that...
[Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?
Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!
[Lois storms off with Stewie leaving Peter upset]
I'm not an idiot!
[There's a knock on the door and Peter opens it to find a man with one eye]
Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]
[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]
Hey, Chris...these [clacks its claws] on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha.
[to a passing waiter] Kill that one.
[after Brian got sprayed by a skunk; He is trying to bath himself with cans of tomato juice.]
Hey, guys, I-I think the tomato juice is really working. Don't you?
No. You smell like my six-foot-tall German girlfriend.
Christopher, are you ready to go to the Guttenschvartzen?
Hell, da! She can swim across the pool in two strokes.
[A German woman picks Chris up and leaves.]
Wh... I don't know what else to do.
[sternly] I do. [throws Brian out of the house] Until the smell wears off, you're staying outside!
Outside?! Lois, I'm an inside dog! I'm an inside dog!
I'm sorry, Brian, but you stink. [closes door while leaving]
Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Hi!
Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!
Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!
Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
This is good. This is constructive.
The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.
It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!
What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Anything else?
Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.
I...I don't have a DVD player.
S'up, man?
Yeah, yeah, "s'up?" Keep walking, you Boondocks ripoff!
Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
What is that? What's happening?
[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.
Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.
What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?
Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.
Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!
[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]
Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Where?
[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay]
[gasp] No!
Peter, what's going on in...
[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!
[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!
Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]
Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!
[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]
[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!
[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]
I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.
[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]
Lois, what the fuck did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn!
WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.
That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids!
That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!
[In a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]
Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!
Well, maybe I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't respect me!
Well then, maybe I should just leave!
And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
