Family Guy · Season 11
Hey, what's that in there?
That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.
Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter; the guide closes the door; both scream and exit with their heads on each other's bodies]
Things got crazy so fast!
Oh my god, everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!
No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]
If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.
We've had this conversation. Do yourself a favor and move on.
Oh, that's interesting, Brian, because l found this [takes out his trashed play] buried in the backyard next to your soup bone!
(gasps) Stewie, l...
You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like l knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".
[Cutaway]
I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
No, Peter.
"Little" means mouse?
No, Peter.
I feel so old and in the way.
[Present]
It's still a good play!
It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.
(panicking) I never saw that episode!
I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!
(distraught) SHUT UP!
May every person who laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.
[Stewie storms out. Beat. Brian begins to cry. He runs out in the backyard, breathing heavily. He sees a squirrel]
(angry) Get in here, you bastard! [chases the squirrel after he has it pinned on the grass] You stink and your play stinks!
This ain't about me, is it?
[breaks down crying] No... and l'm sorry.
Do whatever you have to do Brian, but never let him know he's got talent.
Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard.After all I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's "I can't believe it's not butter!" With real butter.
[Cutaway to Peter taking a bite on a butter toast then he realizes something in horror.]
wh-wha? [stuttering] I can't.... I CAN'T BELIEVE... [stuttering]
[Cut to a insane Peter screaming and kicking in mental hospital while being restrained]
I don't know doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.
Your husband murdered 3 children.
Where will you two be going on your date? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?
I need you to have sex with me while she watches.
[Long silence]
I have some demands.
[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]
Mom, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?
[she disrobes and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]
No, but I'm ready for therapy.
Maybe I can help you out.
You'd do that for me?
Sure! Right after my favorite show.
[Herbert turns on the TV]
Coming up next: To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator.
Good evening, sir, I'm Chis Hansen with Dateline. Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old?
No, I drove 900 fucking miles for a 14-year-old!
[When Meg is telling Chris to call those girls]
No way! That was the last thing on your list! I can't do this anymore.
Well, you should have thought of that before you stole money out of mom's purse. I own you. Now, here's my post office key. I need you to go down town and get my stuff from my P.O box.
Y...You don't get your mail here?
No. I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands.
Like what?
Like I'm part of a group that kinda trashes Anne Frank's house every year.
You know what? No. That's it! I'm no...I'm not doing anymore of your crap, Meg.
Chris, don't you see? You have no choice. I'll just go tell mom and dad about the money, and they'll ground your ass for a YEAR!
I don't care! Tell em'! 'Cause I'm not gonna be here! I'm gonna run away and no one will ever see me again!
Good! Go! And who's even gonna miss you? You're just a little thief!! Where ya goin' Chris? Who are you gonna turn to? You don't even have any friends!
[Herbert's home]
Hi, I ran away from home. Do you mind if I live with you?
Live with me?! My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreamin'! [Herbert pinches his right arm, which bruises all over the arm] Hot dog! It's real!
[Herbert turns out the light and Chris rips a long fart]
Sorry!
[Herbert angrily turns on the light]
You really know how to waste a Cialis, don't you?
Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.
I wasn't gonna.
Good. Don't.
[Impatiently] I said I wasn't!
Good. Don't.
Joe, you telling me not to does not affect me whatsoever. I will not get married.
[Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.
Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.
[Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!
Good. Don't.
[Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!
Good. Don't.
[while Peter, Quagmire and Joe are about to skydive]
Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?
Yeah, it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.
[while throwing the passengers off the plane] Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane!
Oh look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.
["Calista" is revealed to be a piece of paper flying in the wind]
Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.
Good, cuz she looks fat.
[throws Peter out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Quagmire out the plane] Get off my plane! [throws Joe off his wheelchair and out the plane] Get off my plane!
[the phone rings]
Hello?
[it's Peter]:
Is dinner almost ready?
Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.
Pull back my chair ever so slightly.
[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]
Ahh, Daddy's home.
[at the Angry Birds mobile game]
[crashes through the obstacles, clearing the pigs] Go, go, go, go, go, go...oh, he so should've died!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
