[a cool substitute boss comes in]
DDan
Hey, guys. My first name is Dan, which is what you'll all call me. Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille?
S20Jersey Bore
S21Oscars Guy
[discussing wanting to enter America's Funniest Home Videos] I want to spend $2,000 flying to Los Angeles to win $1,000.
You know when I agreed to this, I 100% thought it was American Pie. Always read the second word of the title before you sign something.
S21Bend or Blockbuster
[texting] Hey, guys. Home with groceries. It could use hand unloading. And send. [sends text] Now, I wait for them to come out and help their dear old mom.
S21A Wife-Changing Experience
[Joe finds Lois naked and screams]
Oh, no.
S21The Munchurian Candidate
[Peter and Lois are dining at His and Her's Restaurant]
Ah, look at this, Peter. A new restaurant in town. What a lightning bolt to the balls for a couple of schmos like us, huh?
[Lois looks at the pictures of Susie Swanson on Bonnie's Facebook page]
Ugh, look at that thing's eyes! You know, maybe one glass a night wasn't fine.
S21Unzipped Code
[Jerome has broken his leg and is in a wheelchair]
Whoa, Jerome. What's with the wheelchair?
Well, it was date night with my ladyfriend. Put on some Teddy Pendergrass. One thing led to another. We started making love halfway up the stairs. Then, I lost my footing and tumbles down half a flight!
[appalled] Well! This is hardly a dinner conversation!
I bet you're gonna discover some cool new things you couldn't do while walking.
Like what?
Well, have you yelled at someone for using the handicapped stall yet?
S21Happy Holo-ween
Thanks to the vaccines, we can all get back to doing the things we hate.
[Peter sees Roberta dressed as Harley Quinn]
Whoa!
Careful.
S21The Stewaway
[Peter and Lois are packing the car while Chris is eating some chocolate. He throws the wrapper upon finishing.]
Chris? What - oh, who cares? We're in Vermont till Sunday. Call if you have to but, like, let's not call.
Can we only brush our teeth for 60 seconds instead of the full 90?
You brush your teeth? Nerd.
S21Get Stewie
The Maryonettes are still attacking me. All my accounts are being flooded, they doxxed my favorite Froyo place, and someone even made a deep fake of me at the Capitol riots.
[shows image of Richard Barnett with Stewie's head in the Capitol]
I was there, but I never went inside the building, man!
S21Carny Knowledge
Okay, final question. Team 3. Who is your child's favorite singer?
[puts his board up to show the crowd] The Price is Right Yodeler.
What? No. I said Adele. [puts his board up]
Judges?
[the crowd laughs after the buzzer goes off]
Oh, this is more humiliating than my first day working at that Rice Pilaf Company.
[cut to a Cutaway Gag of Lois' first day at the Rice Pilaf Company]
I think we could start putting pilaf in other things.
BBoss
Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?
[we cut to the kitchen where Lois is sobbing at the table while the rest of the family are eating]
I told you not to rock the boat over there.
S21The Candidate
Peter, where are we going?
[offscreen] Relax, it's our nation's capital. I'm just a fan of history!
Uh, Peter, what are you up to?
[The camera zooms out to reveal Peter dressed as the QAnon Shaman]
What? I just love our government! Or at least I used to!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.