Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.
Oh yeah? Him and what army?
The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]
Oh, that's a good army.
S2E. Peterbus Unum
S2The Story on Page One
Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?
"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]
Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...
My God! Somebody's stealing my water!
It just went down the drain.
They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!
You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]
Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.
S2Wasted Talent
You're drunk again!
No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
S2Fore Father
The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!
SStripper
How old are you?
Old enough to know you're a whore.
S3The Thin White Line
[Inspecting passengers at the airport for contraband] No drugs. She's good. He's clean.
Well looks like that's it except for the flight crew.
Hey-ey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?
Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Oh yeah? How good are you?
[Sniffs Quagmire's crotch] You're back from Manila. You had Lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two Filipino women. [Sniffs again] And a man.
You mean three Filipino women.
[Brain looks at Quagmire seriously]
[Realizes he slept with a man] Noooo!
S3Brian Does Hollywood
Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
CCosby
[wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're just gonna just sit here and enjoy it.
[hypnotized] I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
S3Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
MMilano
What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
JJoel
I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
S3One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]
S3And the Wiener is...
[after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
OH, MY GOD! [runs away]
S3Death Lives
A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
DSDeath's Mother
Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
I don't have skin!
DSDeath's Mother
That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.