TV show quotes
Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?
You mean that frog?
What?
The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.
[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys looks on]
[filming on his phone] Bingo.
[with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.
[Peter takes Lois golfing]
So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?
No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
But you hit it into the water.
[exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.
But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?
[enraged] BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]
Look! It went further than your ball!
There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.
What? What does that even mean?
It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend.
You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.
Peter, be careful up there.
[Peter flips Joe the bird]
Is this being careful enough, Joe?
[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]
[to Quagmire and Cleveland] Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this!
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Brian, are you feeling all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Oh, my God!
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Peter, you got to take him now!
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
[While Peter and Brian are watching TV.]
It's nice to watch TV, while nothing else to do, isn't it?
Yeah.
[angrily tackles Brian off the couch] Get over here, ya idiot!
Peter, what the hell?!
[while opening the anal pill container] I'm still in charge of you! I'm a human!
Stop it! Get away from me!
This is for your benefit, so just go limp and take it! [spills anal pills on the floor]
You touch my ass, I swear to God, I'll kill ya!
[Peter angrily shoves anal pill up Brian's butt, Brian screams and furiously bites Peter in his arm.]
[screams, looks at his bloody bite mark in tears] Wha- What the hell? You... You bit me!
[enraged] You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again, if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
But, Brian, the vet said...
[Brian growls, scares Peter away.]
Wow, where did that come from? God, that was so intense. I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?
Dad, you're loud. You can't hold down a job. You got high blood pressure. You could be black if you didn't have a tiny ding-a-ling!
[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]
Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do. I know what she should do: get your tubes tied, ya kook!
(Chris dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)
(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented): The back is all mashed potatoes now.
(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")
I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me.
Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm.
I feel like you should help out more around the house.
I feel salty and sweet. (to the counselor): You got white-chocolate French fries?
I feel like my cervix hurts.
Quagmire (smiles): I feel pride.
Peter, when is Lois' birthday?
Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?
April 20th.
Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.
Cleveland-
Pass.
Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?
Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?
[referring to George R. R. Martin] God, he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!
[referencing an awful Korean Taco] Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
