Two and a Half Men quotes

Charlie

Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.

Alan

What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."

Charlie

Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

"Booty! Booty!"

Rose

So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.

Evelyn

Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

Alan

Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!

Charlie

Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Charlie

With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Alan

Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?

Charlie

No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Evelyn

Charlie, I need a favor.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn

This event isn't televised, is it?

Charlie

No.

Evelyn

Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Charlie

[hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Alan

Come on, just ignore her.

Charlie

Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.

Charlie

Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

Charlie

Enough!

Alan

C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie

So is diphtheria.

Jake

How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie

'Cause I don't.

Jake

In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie

Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Charlie

Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

Kandi

Ouch.

Alan

What?

Kandi

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan

When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi

Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan

Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Charlie

Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Kandi

Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan

Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi

Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie

You must be so proud.

Alan

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie

Sesame Street-smart.

Alan

Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?

Charlie

Is that so?

Alan

Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Alan

I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.

Kandi

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.