Two and a Half Men quotes

Jake

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

Charlie

What gave you the idea that she hates her?

Jake

'Cause she says so... a lot.

Charlie

All right. Why do you think?

Jake

I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.

Charlie

Well, little man, you just answered your own question.

Jake

I did? What'd I say?

Charlie

It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?

Jake

Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.

Charlie

Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.

Jake

I don't understand.

Charlie

Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.

Jake

Oh.

Alan

Where are you going?

Charlie

I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?

Alan

(mock laughter) You're not funny.

Berta

Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?

Kandi

To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.

Berta

Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.

Kandi

Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Alan

Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Berta

OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

Judith

I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.

Kandi

Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi

You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.

Alan

Really? How old were you when your parents split up?

Kandi

Twenty-two.

Alan

But you're twenty-two now.

Kandi

Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi

I don't even know who you are anymore!

Alan

Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!

Kandi

Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!

Alan

If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!

Kandi

'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

Kandi

Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!

Judith

No, no, Osama bin Alan.

Judith

What in God's name does she see in him?

Charlie

Well, I don't have all the details, Mrs. Harper, but apparently, when he's not being emasculated and demoralized on a daily basis, he's quite the lover.

Judith

What's that supposed to mean?

Charlie

Well, you know what they say, your average man is like a good field mule. You don't beat him, he'll keep plowing all day long.

Judith

Nobody says that.

Charlie

You're hard to fool. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but...I'm tired of talking to you. [closes the door in Judith's face.]

Alan

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

Charlie

Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.

Mandi

You can go two more innings?

Charlie

Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.

Judith

Impasse!

Alan

Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--

Charlie

Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]

Alan

Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan

So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.

Mandi

Andy?

Alan

I guess.

Charlie

Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?

Mandi

What's your point?

Charlie

No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.