You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Would you rather watch that?
No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
S3 E13Humiliation is a Visual Medium
Mia[about Kandi]: Go back with your bimbo.
You wanna go upstairs?
Not right now.
Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
S3 E14Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
So it's the car.
Why would I care about your car?
It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
It costs $80,000!
Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Don't lie to me, Alan.
OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Story of my life!
[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
You must be Jake.
Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
What about him?
[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Wow. Can I share something with you?
Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
[makes the "loser" hand gesture]
S3 E15My Tongue is Meat
This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Considerate.
Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
What?
You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?
Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?
Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.
[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]
Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.
S3 E16Ergo, The Booty Call
Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]
And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
[scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!
You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?
Yep.
A real one or like Toby the astronaut?
Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.
Why'd they keep their boots on?
Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Well, thank you.
So when did it start meaning casual sex?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.