I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.
Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."
Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
That is different. Way different.
Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?
Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
What do we call it, darling?
We don't call it anything!
Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
I may never have sex again.
Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?
[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Anybody want to lick the beater?
ACAlan and Charlie
No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.