Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 10
[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]
"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Good God.
Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Thank you, Mom.
So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
[Alan is drunk]
Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Attaboy!
You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.
You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.
But what about you? We had the same mother.
Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Oh, how I'll try.
Would you like some more pretzels?
Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.
Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
But isn't that just a temporary solution.
It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
I like it.
Did I really tell the waiter I loved him?
Well, you had to say something after a kiss like that.
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