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S3 E3

Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 3

“Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark” quotes from Two and a Half Men

3 quotes

“Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark” · Season 3, Episode 3

In this episode: Alan (3), Charlie (2), Evelyn (1), Judith (1)

You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.

In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.

Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?

Uh...

I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.

You had other options?

Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.

And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.

Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.

Bed? Our old bed?

My new bed.

What was wrong with the old one?

Too many memories.

Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

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