Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 14
The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
So it's the car.
Why would I care about your car?
It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
It costs $80,000!
Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Don't lie to me, Alan.
OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Story of my life!
[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
You must be Jake.
Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
What about him?
[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Wow. Can I share something with you?
Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
[makes the "loser" hand gesture]
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