Two and a Half Men · Season 2, Episode 12
You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
OK!
And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Got it.
Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
You're disgusting.
Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.
[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
What was going on with your hair?
It's called a Jheri curl.
It was my Michael Jackson period.
Who's the tall guy next to you?
Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
I thought you were going to be busy today.
I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
To the batcave, Alfred
Go to hell.
OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
You knew your shirt was open?
WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
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