[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Just making notes.
Good for you! What do you have so far?
Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Ferrets?
Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
That was fifty pages!
Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
No, I'm lazy.
[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
What are they, brain damaged?
Welcome to show business, kid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.