A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Oh, my God!
What?
I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.
Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
It's not gonna be on the test.
Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Why can't you just learn it now?
'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.
[Jake is doing his homework]
What about this one?
That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.
But why don't you do it anyway.
Cause I don't have to.
But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.
But I'm not.
Do it!
Why?
Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
I am done, this is extra.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.