Two and a Half Men · Season 2, Episode 13
[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]
Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
What earthquake?
'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Oh.
Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.
I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.
Have you even tried?
It's just for a couple of days.
Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Again, have you even tried?
[Judith is holding salad tongs]
Ah, better use the wooden ones.
What's wrong with these?
I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Is this a regular occurrence?
You'd think I'd learn.
And you keep them in the kitchen?
I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
This is really weird.
Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Well, what if you were dating?
But I'm not.
But what if it looked like you were dating?
Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
OK, forget it.
She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Anything else?
Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
