“The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance” quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

I have to tell you something.

Alan

OK.

Charlie

Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan

All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie

You'll understand in a minute.

Alan

Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie

I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Charlie

What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Jake

Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan

I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake

So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan

You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake

It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan

I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie

I was hoping.

Alan

Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie

OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie

OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie

Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

You actually stopped at 6.

Alan

What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie

Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?