Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?

Charlie

Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!

Alan

Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.

Charlie

All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan

You're gonna get married?

Charlie

Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.

Alan

Cooperstown?

Charlie

It is my bat.

Alan

Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.

Charlie

You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.

Alan

Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?

Charlie

What are you doing?

Alan

I'm here, I figure, what the hell?

Charlie

Just remember to put the seat back down.

Alan

It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?

Charlie

I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

Alan

You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?

Charlie

What are you, my wife?

Alan

No, I'm the wedding planner.

Evelyn

You son of a bitch.

Alan

So you weren't the one who was...

Evelyn

Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!

Courtney

Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!

Evelyn

With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Charlie

I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].

Alan

I never took any LSD!

Charlie

You might want to start telling people you did.

Alan

What are you talking about?

Jake

It's in some sort of foreign language.

Alan

It's Elizabethan.

Jake

Well, can we get one in English?

Alan

Walk.

Charlie

You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".

Alan

Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

Alan

You're supposed to be finishing your report.

Jake

I know, but I can't find the book.

Alan

You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.

Jake

What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.

Alan

Find... the book.

Jake

I'm really tired.

Alan

Find... the book!

Jake

Just saying it won't make it happen.

Alan

FIND... THE... BOOK!

Alan

I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Alan

You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake

Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan

OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!

Jake

I have my doubts, Dad.

Alan

Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?

Jake

'Cause I don't have to.

Alan

You don't have to study algebra.

Jake

Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.

Alan

OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Charlie

Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.

Alan

Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.

Charlie

It's not funny.

Alan

Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".

Charlie

That boy was nothing like me.

Alan

Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Charlie

Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan

Except when they don't work.

Charlie

Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Alan

Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.

Charlie

First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.

Evelyn

I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

Alan

How much are you paying him?

Evelyn

Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Alan

Playboy?

Evelyn

Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Charlie

Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.