[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
How much are you paying him?
Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]
[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
The money you promised to pay back today.
The day hasn't even started yet!
That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
You like round numbers, do you?
Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
