Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.
Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Why would I want to do that?
Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.
Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
All right. Then something good came of this.
You're gonna get married?
Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Cooperstown?
It is my bat.
Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
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