Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!

Alan

Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Alan

So, bottom line, you don't have my money.

Charlie

No.

Alan

The money you promised to pay back today.

Charlie

The day hasn't even started yet!

Alan

It started for me.

Charlie

That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!

Alan

I want my forty dollars!

Charlie

I only borrowed thirty-eight.

Alan

Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.

Charlie

You like round numbers, do you?

Alan

Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.

Charlie

OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?

Alan

Are you calling me anal?

Charlie

That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.

Alan

But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.

Herb

Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.

Judith

In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?

Herb

Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Alan

At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.

Charlie

Wow. Two women?

Alan

Yeah.

Charlie

And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Alan

Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.

Charlie

Only you can gay up banging two women.

Alan

OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.

Charlie

You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan

Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.

Charlie

I'm hoping to say the same.

Alan

Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.

Charlie

Hey, you crap where I live!

Charlie

Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.

Alan

Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!

Charlie

I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.

Alan

Really?

Charlie

Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.

Alan

Wow, I'm impressed!

Charlie

That I'm growing up?

Alan

No, that you can so easily lie to my face.

Alan

My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.

Charlie

Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?

Alan

Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?

Charlie

Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.

Melissa

Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.

Alan

No kidding?

Melissa

Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!

Alan

Again, none of my business.

Melissa

It is like I have known him all my life.

Alan

I know the feeling. You'll get over it.

Alan

Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?

Charlie

Wow. You still have a fax machine?

Alan

I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.

Jake

I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.

Alan

Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.

Charlie

Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Jake

Oh, now I want one.

Charlie

Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?

Alan

Oh God, yes.

Alan

I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?

Charlie

Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake

I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan

Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan

Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan

I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake

You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie

Yes, but not your own.