Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Judith

Hey, honey, how's it going?

Jake

Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!

Judith

Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.

Alan

I did.

Judith

Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?

Alan

'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]

Why are you sorry?

Alan

I just find it's easier that way.

Charlie

Hey.

Alan

Hey.

Charlie

How'd it go with Gabrielle?

Alan

I think you know how it went.

Charlie

Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?

Alan

I didn't go through with it.

Charlie

Really?

Alan

Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?

Charlie

Nope.

Alan

You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?

Charlie

Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.

Alan

Well, at least now we're even, right?

Charlie

Not quite.

Alan

What do you mean?

(appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?

Alan

Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?

Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.

Alan

Yeah. 20 years.

Charlie

She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.

Alan

But, but, but...

Charlie

Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)

Alan

[yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!

Charlie

You clear on everything I told you?

Alan

Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--

Charlie

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.

Alan

Why?

Charlie

What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.

Alan

You didn't say anything about that.

Charlie

It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Wow, that was just lovely.

Alan

I do aim to please.

And after last time, I appreciate the aiming. (looks at watch) Hey, we made good time. I can let the babysitter go early.

Alan

The key is efficient foreplay. Minimal attention to each breast before I (pause) Meander to your Dander. Spoon?

Sure.

Alan

And switch. (Alan and Donna spoon to the other side and sigh again)

Jake

Boxing sucks.

Charlie

As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Jake

Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie

OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake

Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other, it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie

Oh, does that hurt?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Good. (Alan appears)

Alan

Hey, what are you doing?

Jake

Uncle Charlie hit me.

Alan

Good.

Charlie

Where have you been?

Alan

I'll... I'll tell you later.

Jake

Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)

Charlie

You promised he'd grow on me.

Alan

I lied.

Charlie

So, how was you and Donna?

Alan

It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.

Charlie

Jungle humping?

Alan

Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.

Charlie

You poor bastard.

Alan

Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.

Charlie

You poor, poor bastard.

Alan

This conversation is over. (storms off)

Charlie

If only.

Alan

(reappears) OKAY, IT'S BORING! IT'S SUFFOCATING! IT'S A DEATHWATCH! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you. I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Charlie

Oh, that's a load of crap. You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.

Alan

DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?!

Jake

You really want to do something with me?

Alan

Yes!

Jake

How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?

Alan

And... what am I supposed to do all that time?

Jake

Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.

Charlie

Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?

Alan

Nobody.

Charlie

Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

Rose

The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...

Alan

You're changing him?

Berta

You're cleaning him?

Jake

You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.

Rose

I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.

Jake

Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.

Rose

Potato, pot-ah-to.

Alan

Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!

Charlie

Hey, I told you she would go out with you.

Alan

And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Charlie

Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.

Alan

M-- My hoe?

Charlie

Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?

Alan

What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?

Berta

Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Alan

Have you been listening this whole time?

Berta

Wouldn't you?

Alan

You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?

Charlie

Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

Alan

You're not helping.

Charlie

I rarely do.

Charlie

How much you looking to spend?

Alan

Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

Charlie

Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Alan

Did you make the call?

Charlie

Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.

Alan

Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.

Charlie

They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Rose

You're waiting for a prostitute?

Alan

No.

Rose

Oh, Alan, that's not like you.

Alan

Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?

Rose

A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.

Alan

Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.

Rose

Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Alan

Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?

Berta

Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan

Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Charlie

Why would I want to do that?

Alan

Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?

Charlie

Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?

Alan

You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.